Self Esteem and the Congregation
Reflection by Pastor Jenn Pockat, Associate to the Bishop
August 26, 2024
What does your church say about itself? Does your church like itself? What vitality markers are you using as a church to define who you are?
“We can’t find any volunteers and we’re all burned out. No one is volunteering to do anything.”
“The church in [name of town] is floundering.”
“The community church across town is taking all of our young families. No one wants to be here anymore.”
“There are no more young people. We used to have a church full of kids.”
“The ELCA is too liberal and people are leaving. At this rate we won’t even be around in ten years.”
The pastor in me hears pain in these statements. These are hard things to express and to experience. But it also seems like some of our communities are suffering from low self-esteem. The difficult realities that some of us are facing can quickly turn into a self-defining narrative that may seem true, but also leaves out some of the good parts.
If the above sentiments feel familiar, I want to assure you that you are not alone. I also want to invite you to listen more deeply and think about how you can encourage your congregation or ministry.
Self-esteem, simply defined, is the feeling we have about ourselves. When I hear the word I instantly think of being a teenager. If I heard a teenger in my life talking poorly about themselves I would say something. I would want them to know how I see them. I would encourage and help them.
If you have a teenager in your life you know they have a really important job. In addition to tending to their relationships and the work they have to complete at school, they also have the job of working to identify who they are, their values, their direction, and their purpose.
It’s the job of a teenager to become who they are. This is hard work for any person. It can also be hard for the church or a ministry organization. God is calling us to be who we are. But that can be difficult when we make assumptions about who we are, don’t feel like we know who we are, or don’t like who we are.
In 2022 Psychology Today published an article on the root causes of low self esteem in adolescents: chronic abuse and criticism, adverse childhood experiences (such as trauma, neglect, or witnessing violence), societal pressures and expectations, and attacks on identity.
The effects of low self-esteem are many: less confidence, avoidance of healthy risk-taking, struggling to make decisions, difficulty saying no, failure to advocate for self, and later life impacts including anxiety, depression, loneliness, or addiction later in life.
In the church these days, we could name some of the following as causes for low self-esteem: the trauma of covid, the secularization of society, polarization in politics and its impact on faith communities, successful ministry from siblings in Christ, lower giving trends, members leaving our churches.
The effects of low self-esteem in our churches contributes to volunteer burnout, lack of fulfillment in worship, bullying behavior that impacts pastors and leaders, less resources for engaging in ministry, and low morale.
Simply put, the story we tell ourselves about who we are has some significant power in shaping the ministry we share with our communities. While I don’t have a magic fix to offer about this particular reality, what I do know is that researchers have guidance for parents of teenagers and some of these seem to overlap with how we might gently proceed with ourselves.
The best gift we can offer each other in our churches is the belief that we have inherent value and are worthy of love and belonging - whether we are growing wide in numbers or growing deeper in our relationship with God and ourselves.
If you are individually or corporately experiencing chronic low self esteem, here are some things to practice:
Show unconditional love, encouragement, and praise. Notice when something goes well or feels good. Say something.
Take sabbath. What would it look like to push pause on the livestream? Take the summer off as a council? Re-tool on faith formation. Invite people who are burned out to step back. Trauma can cause flight, flight, freeze, fawn, and fatigue in individuals and communities. Part of trauma recovery includes rest.
Set Boundaries. Bullying happens when we don’t feel good about ourselves or a situation. While we want to be “kind” to one another, sometimes creating a boundary with a bully can be the kindest thing to do. It’s possible people aren’t participating because of unhealthy behavior from individuals. Work together to care for each other and reach out for help if you need it.
Focus on the other. The gospel invites us to serve our neighbors. We feel better when we serve others: feeding the hungry, visiting the sick, providing a need. A seminary professor once suggested that if I was having a particularly bad day, that was a good day to go visit someone.
Seek to learn something together. “Confidence and competence go hand in hand.” What kind of individual or group learning might help stimulate something new? The Fall is a great time to read a book together, create time for a parish staff in-service, or devote a council meeting to learning from an expert.
Reflect accurately on your strengths and weaknesses. Do some asset mapping and ask the community where they desire to grow and what continues to provide spiritual nurture and life.
Practice confession and forgiveness. Consider areas where the church has misstepped to hurt or isolate people. Sometimes a well meaning church can really cause pain to individuals or groups. Go to God in prayer and confess the hurt. Seek healing where you can. God is merciful and ready to listen.
Identify and challenge negative self-talk and patterns. Call it out when you hear it. We don’t have to be so hard on ourselves. What are the “false narratives” or assumptions that are shaping your identity? What is real? What is not real? One of the myths causing some pain right now has to do with identifying our church in a partisan way. In reality, one of the very best things about the ELCA is that people who identify across the political spectrum are all welcome to Christ’s table. In the East Central Synod of Wisconsin we are not just “one” thing. We are diverse - let’s be honest about it!
Take pride in your unique congregational identity and differences. Sure, you may not have a vibrant youth program - but do you do senior ministry really well? You may not have a fancy worship team - but what about your theology might be life saving for your community? You don’t have to be good at it all but let your light shine bright where things are going well.
Model positive behavior. Demonstrate self-compassion in your leadership. Cover for one another so you can take a break when you need it. Incorporate play or fellowship into the work that you do to meet one another as children of God. Not using your vacation because you’re “too busy” will make things worse, not better. Let a position sit vacant to assess if something is truly needed. Operate from a place of care.
Your church, our Church, has a unique calling from God. While we are going through a time of change, it does not mean that we are not the body of Jesus Christ in the world. While I travel around I also see how amazing your ministry is. You are feeding the hungry, you are wrapping up college kids in quilts, you are making incredible music and fostering places of peace.
If I could, I would hold up a mirror for each of you and say to you what I say to my teenage niece, “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Look. How beautiful!”
“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God— not the result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are what he has made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we may walk in them.”
